SO YOU’RE WORKING FROM HOME: #disappointing and #exciting notes from a WFH vet


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*Cracks knuckles*

OK OFFICE DWELLERS — IT SOUNDS LIKE SOME OF YOU ARE GEARING UP FOR THE WORK FROM HOME LIFE.

As a veteran Work From Homer for the last 9 years, I have a few words of wisdom to share.

So gather your kitchen table chairs around, you lack-of-desk-chair n00bs, and listen up.

FIRST, THE DISAPPOINTMENTS:

The first 30 seconds of any Zoom call will involve trying to figure out everyone’s sound.

The mic takes like half a minute to kick on.

Give it a second, and wait patiently while your colleague waves their hand around confusedly, and then shrugs.

Then – and ONLY then – say hello and watch their faces change like they’ve seen God.

You will probably not meditate every day, as much as you want to.

Comin’ right out the gate with this one.

A lack of commute will make you wanna sip lemon water and do morning yoga and meditation for like, two days.

It will be VERY nice.

But then, you will resort to spending that extra time drinking a third cup of coffee, and reading nonsense on your phone.

Yes, perfect *~*spiritual*~* morning routines were real hot in like, 2018, but you’re allowed to be a person.

Your inner Manic Pixie Dream Girl may be saying: Oh my GOSH! We can turn this into a positive! Living room dance parties EVERY DAY.

Note: you will not be having daily dance parties.

You will, at best, dance alone around your living room once, feel kind of weird, and probably never do it again unless you’re filming it for the ‘gram.

And if you insist you will, don’t worry: I already don’t believe you.

You will likely learn what it’s like to look, smell, AND act like a total doofus who orders too much delivery.

Basically every WFH-er goes through this stage, so don’t even try to resist.

At first you’re like “YEAH, PAJAMAS ALL DAY! I DON’T HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE.”

Then you’re like:

“When was the last time I left the house?”

“Wait there’s nothing in the fridge.”

“Oh crap I should shower, I’ve been in these yoga pants for 3 days.”

“Merp. Derp. Flerp.” <— trying to politely grab your pad thai from the unimpressed deliver guy because you haven’t conversed with another human all week.

Get dressed, ya schlub.

You’re still gonna have to meal prep.

I knowww I know. This one’s unfortunate.

But keep those Sundays sacred if you’re on some type of meal plan, y’all!

It’s just as inconvenient to cook in the middle of the day at home as it would be to cook up a full meal at the office.

If you have kids at home and childcare plans have turned inside out, I have 0 advice but —

Hang in there, friends!

AND NOW, THE GOOD STUFF.

Your pets will be P U M P E D.

This will not make them less clingy, but it WILL make them feel like they’ve scored the jackpot, and this is a special event Just For Them because you love them So Very Much.

Do NOT insist that the reality is any different.

This is their time. Let them have this.

A lack of commute really does improve one’s day overall

Sure, you won’t be in downward dog, and that third cup of coffee may trigger serious intestinal events, but it’s nice to start your day off with a bit of quiet instead of shoulder-to-shoulder people-ing.

Enjoy that shit!

Four words: total. office. music. control.

Sick of Karen from Accounting playing the Frozen 2 Soundtrack on loop? IT’S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

Flip on the new Caribou album and ride it out, friends.

You can be JUST as productive at home as you are in the office – if not more so, because nobody’s pestering you.

It’s gonna take a week or two to find your rhythm, but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised how much you can get done.

Just try to avoid any at-home habits that scream “weekend”, like keeping the TV on all day, or getting hammered at 2 PM because no one can actually see you.

If your spouse or partner works from home, IT’S A PARTNER PARTYYY

You get to spend more time with your favorite person. ISN’T THAT FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY?

Or maybe not but if it isn’t just work in separate rooms and convene in the kitchen for hydration.

Working from home is basically the future.

According to Very Fancy People who Know About These Things, about 70% of employed Americans will be working from home in the next 20 years. Consider this your test run!

Also, congrats: you have officially gone greener.

I think? I dunno how this whole thing works.

BUT THERE’S GOTTA BE FEWER CARBON EMISSIONS, RIGHT?

Wow you’re like, sooo enlightened now.

Ok this concludes my Very Helpful And Serious List

Welcome to the League of Work From Home Weirdos.

Godspeed. And enjoy your couch, ya filthy animals. 

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