Alright nerds, grab the nearest pitcher of wine and clank your metal cups together for a game of medieval Never Have I Ever because it’s time for another…
*~*~* GAME OF THRONES RECAP POST *~*~*
We’re back for another round of Well I Guess We’re Really Doing This of Thrones.
I’d also like to say, for all the folks who are like
“What happened to the writing?!”
“What happened to the LOGIC!?”
May I remind you: there are zombies AND (somewhat confusingly) “good people” raised from the dead, one surprisingly effective God of Fire (who may have absolutely nothing left to contribute to the series), and literal dragons are in this show so if you’re on the hunt for logic may I suggest watching Billions instead.
And as for the writing, this is Maybe It Is Really All Cocks in the End of Thrones (spoiler alert: it is), and final seasons are always a disappointment to the True Fans who’ve spent years digging into the lore and making complex predictions, so this is just your final reminder to try not to think too hard, keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle, and enjoy the ride.
… But that said, I’m gonna point out some dumb stuff anyway.
*~*~* Now, TO THE EPISODE!*~*~*
There’s a lot to unpack here so let’s just head on into Winterfell to see how our heroes are holding up post-zombie tsunami:
❄️ First, did anyone else feel like there weren’t QUITE enough dead people?
Like sure there were a lot of pyres but I counted like mayyyybe 20 dead people on each pyre and there were maybe like 30 pyres or so.
One last look at Ser Friendzone and Theon “You’re totally a stark now you’re dead” Greyjoy and Lyana “Stone Cold Killa” Mormont.
I’ll miss all of your accusing stares. *pours one out*
❄️ Then: IT’S A CELEBRATION BITCHESSS. Stark boys in the buildin’ tonight!
For some reason I feel like this celebration should be either 10x louder or 10x quieter.
I mean there are slutty peasant girls and whatnot and it looks like the peasants have stopped their extremely busy jobs of moving around stacks of wood to party too, but if I survived an army of the undead I just feel I would be SIGNIFICANTLY MORE LIT.
Like, half of literally EVERYONE’S men died, and right now we’ve got Jon and Dany sitting in awkward silence at the head table while the hardest partiers are the Lannisters playing medieval Never Have I Ever.
❄️Speaking of — how DARE these Lannister chucklefucks mock my girl BriBri just because she’s never been penetrated.
Like, YIKES way to find a way to reduce her.
Here’s how that conversation should’ve gone:
“You’re a virgin!!!!!!!!!”
“Yeah? So fucking what. I spent years adventuring and learning how to fight like an absolute beast so I could rescue punks like you from the jaws of their own terrible decisions.
So what if I didn’t prioritize seeing a dick IRL?! There are way more interesting things out there for an Empowered Westerosi Woman so how bout you shut your mouth before I prioritize locating peene ASAP just so I can stuff one in there.”
But it didn’t so I just wanna reiterate:
Your sexual history has no tie to your worth as a human Brienne, you’re doing amazing sweetie.
Sex in this universe only exists to confuse men and ruin women’s lives so you don’t want that shit anyway.
❄️On that note, let’s take a moment to reflect on that Gendry + Arya scene.
Gendry: BABE! BABE! The Queen made me a TLTQ Baratheon (that’s Too Legit to Quit) so that means we can TOTALLY GET MARRIED NOW. And since we bumped uglies exactly one time, I get the sense you’re ready to commit.
Ary: *Arya Stark has left the chat*
And you know what, good for her, because we’ve got MORE ADVENTURES OF THE HOUND AND ARYA AHEAD, WOOP WOOP!
Also: CLEGANE BOWL CONFIRMED!!??! *AIR HORNS*
❄️ I’m glad Sansa and The Hound got a reunion moment, though it was brief.
The Hound: Man you used to be really freaked out by everything
Sansa: I was like 13 tho.
The Hound: You should’ve come with me when you had the chance.
Sansa: Meh. Now I’m a badass and the only woman not dick-obsessed in this room right now so I’m gonna go ahead and be grateful that the sum of my experience has made me the only one with any sense. Also I fed Ramsey to his hounds how good was that high five?
The Hound: Wow so I have TWO Murder Daughters now.
❄️ Oh wait no Tormund “Throwing up is Celebrating” Giantsbane made it through with his horned beer bong. CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Also Dany is like, every woman ever watching a man get patted on. the back for something she’s been doing for like, 5 straight seasons.
Tormund: “WOW WHAT A BADASS DID YOU SEE HIM RIDE THE DRAGON?”
Dany: “Yeah if only someone had taught him that…”
Tormund: “WHAT A FIGHTER. WHAT A CRAZY MOFO. SUCH A SHORTIE TOO. BREHH TOTALLY A KING.”
Dany: “Ooh yeah there was only one available position for Dragon Riding Ruler in this administration and I’ve definitely already filled it so I’m gonna need — ”
Tormund: “WHAT A GUY.”
Varys: *Varys has joined the chat*
What I really needed here was another Dany “staring into the camera like Jim Halpert” moment, but we didn’t get it so the random Starbucks cup will do.
❄️Alright then we’ve got the fan service Jamie/Brienne Deflowering Scene of Love I Guess
Jamie: “I’ve never slept with a Knight.”
Jamie: “I DID bang my sister a whole bunch too though so what I need you to do is not think about how my best sex moves are likely the product of some incestual intimacy.”
❄️ Then I really have to hand it to Dany for making her case to Jon .
“Look I’m really feelin’ you Nephew Boo, but what I’m gonna need you to do is respect the decade+ of work I’ve done and the tons of people I genuinely like who’ve given their lives for my cause and just keep this whole “claim to the throne” thing for bedroom role play only, kapiche?”
Then Jon is like “But THE TRUTH. That has literally never gotten me into any trouble before and trying to do the right thing literally didn’t get my stepdad killed too but also we’re not gonna show Arya and Sansa’s reactions to this news because I dunno tbh.”
*Danaerys read at 9:58 PM*
❄️Then we return to the No One Listens to the Women Not Even the Women War Room where Sansa’s good sense to let some people nap is being ignored and the queens’ advisors are still trying to “teach” her restraint for like the billionth time because boy that’s worked out.
Personally I’m more partial to Cersei’s brand of restraint which is “Let my enemies kill each other” because honestly that seems to be the only type of inaction that works in this universe.
❄️ Oh look we’re back on Winterfell’s Exposition Patio for Sansa to start the greatest game of Telephone Westeros has ever seen.
At this point I’m worried about Sansa because Dany is feeling PARTICULARLY torchy these days and with it taking about 45 minutes to get to King’s Landing instead of two weeks these days I feel like Dany could with a battle, hop up north on a dragon to get her revenge before the episode wraps.
❄️Anyway — then we have a whole bunch of Northern Plot Tieups of Thrones where people just… leave? I guess?
Tormund is like “The girls don’t like me I’m outtie”.
And then Sam’s like “YEAH YOU SEE THAT BABY BUMP? WE DID THE SEX BRO HIGH FIVE.”
And Ghost is like “Sorry, you’re not even gonna give me some ear skritches though…”
So uh… bye guys.
❄️ However for every loss there is a gain, and I’m really glad Varys is back in the game to say what we’re all thinking.
Tyrion: They could get married…
Varys: No, she’s his aunt
Tyrion: Yeah but like…
Varys: Look Big T, the people of The North may be blatant, unapologetic racists, but they draw the line at incest, OK?
❄️Ok so we’re on the High Seas heading to Dragonstone (I think?) and apparently Dany forgot to send scouts again (will she ever learn?) Because BOOM Rhaegal headshot.
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, PEOPLE WHO WANTED MORE DEATH? RHAEGAL SURVIVED THE ZOMBIE HOARD BUT GOT TAKEN OUT BY ESSENTIALLY A GIANT ARROW TO THE FACE. HOW ARE YOU FEELING YOU BLOODTHIRSTY FIENDS?
Oh shit there goes Missandei too.
❄️Euron then teleports back to King’s Landing immediately to share the good news with our favorite Pixie Cut Baddie who’s like “You know what we do really well here is foreshadowing.”
Dany’s getting set up to be the mad queen.
She’s gonna have to kill thousands of people — and what I think the writers are doing a decent job of illustrating is that honestly, if she does, I like, kinda get it.
She’s gotta be so pissed right now, everything she worked for is falling apart in her hands JUST BECAUSE some dude born of a secret marriage who doesn’t even WANT to rule happened to have come into the world *and* happens to have a penis.
I’d wanna Dracarys everyone too, shit.
❄️Then, of course — OF COURSE — we’ve seen for the millionth time that team “Try Diplomacy” has their strategy completely torn up by a Ruler Who Gives No Fucks.
RIP Missandei, you were really fly and cool and nice, and I will miss you but not as much as Grey Worm who is about to LIGHT SHIT UPPPPP alongside the Danaerys “Fuck Diplomacy” Stormborn in KL.
Buckle in children, we are in for a spicy ride.
❄️Oh and we finally close on Brienne having to run out in the cold in her bathrobe because Jaime’s being AN IDIOT.
But what else is new on Men Making Dumb Decisions of Thrones, you feel me?
OK that’s all I got — SEE Y’ALL NEXT WEEK FOR WHAT IS APPARENTLY GONNA BE ANOTHER MASSIVE BATTLE SEQUENCE BUT THIS TIME: WITH WAY BETTER LIGHTING.