Game of Thrones S08 E03: I Stress Ate One Million Oreos… of Thrones


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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, grab your favorite wight and extinguish your flaming swords, it’s time for another…

*~*~* GAME OF THRONES RECAP POST *~*~*

Author’s note: For the past couple of seasons of GoT I’ve taken it upon myself to write recaps of each episode on Facebook. Upon request, I’ve posted them here to make them easier to share internet-wide.

First things first, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…

I think we’ve gotta take a moment again to appreciate just how much GoT has changed the way we perceive good TV.

Like George RR has essentially turned us into a bunch of bloodthirsty White Walkers starved for the death and noble defeat of the characters we love.

We got mad when his writing caused the death of great characters, and now we get mad when they DON’T die and get to live another day.

Sure it’s a sign we’re not watching the same TV show from S1 anymore, but it’s still nothing short of remarkable cultural shift, so let’s give props where props are due.

Which brings me to another point: IF YOU ARE DISAPPOINTED YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER DID NOT DIE A NOBLE DEATH LAST NIGHT YOU ARE NOT ALONE, MY FELLOW MASOCHISTS.

However — let’s put things into perspective for a second:

Zombie hoard comes and kills A Lot of People for 50 straight minutes. Some people we really liked, too.

Us: MOAR DEATH. I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME *FEEL*.

So, in the words of Linkin Park, we have become so numb.

Please know your disappointment in many ways is felt, seen, and shared by me. I know we wanted more from this episode but I feel like I should also make the points:

1) The show is called Game of Thrones. Not Game of Medieval Walking Dead.

Plus, if the rest of the final season was Big Bad zombie fighting it would be pretty boring pretty fast.

2) I completely understand the frustration that this felt like a really sudden end to this piece of the plot, a number of complex theories/explanations did not come to pass, and that Cersei (and, by association, Diesel of the Iron Islands spokesperson Euron) is now the final boss.

However in show lore the White Walkers etc. have never really been anything more than white blood cells for the Children of the Forest who created them because humanity is, frankly, The Worst.

I mean look at us we’re on our couches screaming for death.

While I’m as bummed as you are that a single episode can end an 8-season arc, it WAS a pretty groundbreaking, epic-in-terms-of-scale episode AND we don’t know if that story is over yet.

(It probably is since it turns out the most simplistic theories are the correct ones. But still!)

3) If you’re wondering about plot armor, keep in mind we’re seeing the point repeatedly underlined that characters miraculously stay alive UNTIL THEY HAVE FULFILLED THEIR DESTINY.

There’s another battle coming. Hang in there, you bloodthirsty vultures. (A group to whom I also belong.)

Also: If you need somewhere to commiserate, reddit r/asoiaf is pissed, and Twitter #demthrones and #thronesyall was hyped.

Choose your own adventure.

OK now with that out of the way, BUCKLE IN FAM, LET’S DISCUSS THAT EPISOOOOOODE.

❄️ I’d first like to give a shout out to today’s guest stars, Total Silence, Utter Darkness, and Unbridled Panic.

I was absolutely SHOOKETH seeing so many of our brave warriors who’ve Seen Some Shit clearly so frightened in the quiet and the night.

The episode was done by the Battle of the Bastards director guy and MANNN you could feel it. The claustrophobia and sheer terror. Yeesh.

RIP to the millions of oreos I stress ate.

❄️ And suddenly: MELISSANDRE somehow slowly horse-strutted by the entire army of the dead Iiiii guess?

Just in time to upgrade the Dothraki army whose weapons were apparently, uh, not made of dragon glass!? Can someone explain to me why they all just suicided?

But my god, seeing them ride out into the blackness and just get snuffed out like so many fireflies was unreal.

My heart was just crushed. RIP, like, that entire race of warriors. Is there a contingency plan there?

Also, only tangentially related, but we’ve REAAAALLY gotta stop counting on Jon for battle planning. He doesn’t seem to be very good at this.

❄️ I also have to hand it to the Dead for their sheer numbers strategy.

That tidal wave of zombies was SOMETHING ELSE, y’all. Talk about a moment of total hopelessness and chaos.

Make Zombies Terrifying Again.

❄️ Meanwhile, in the Super Safe Crypts™, Tyrion is very busy wrapping up a plot point and foreshadowing as usual.

Tyrion: I should be up there. I could use my Big Brain Powers to help.

Sansa: Bruh, Zombies.

T: Yeah but Sam is literally lying down with his sword straight up and using it to stab people right now. He’s even gonna make it to end of the episode alive.

S: No. Stop. Also you were a great husband.

T: Wow, that really sucks for you.

S: But you know who really sucks? THE DRAGON QUEEN AM I RIGHT HIGH FIVE.

Melissandei: First of all, how dare you.

❄️ Oh dear, team Battle Dragon is now at war with its greatest new enemy: THE WEATHER.

Ice storm. Who made it? We don’t know, but IT’S HERE and I’m frosty just looking at it.

And oh no, literally no one considered this contingency plan for, oh idk, THE FIRE in a snowy environment.

But it’s fine, Melisandre is on the case. WOMEN SAVING THE DAY LEFT AND RIGHT IN THIS EPISODE.

❄️ Uh oh, our pokey things were not working, RETREEEAT.

Was there dragon glass at the end of the pokey things?

Have people not heard of burning oil in this medieval universe?

Also I feel like I need to pour one out for the Unsullied who were essentially the only competent fighters on the field. Fucking fearless holding formation in the face of death to protect others.

I love them. Entire Unsullied are officially bae.

Hooker cuddles for ALL of them in King’s Landing when we get there.

❄️ At this point Oh Fuck Oh Fuck everyone is running inside — which brings us to the. First semi big death of the day: LYANA MORMONT, STONE COLD BADASS.

I’ve gotta hand it to that little actor, she’s got some serious Warrior Scream in her.

But also like… where were all the other giants!!??! Weren’t there like a bunch of dead ones marching?

Ok.

❄️ Cut to The Hound LOSING HIS SHIT.

Thank Clegane, you’re right, things ARE super fucked right now. Have you tried lying down and sticking your sword straight up?

But don’t forget, your Murder Daughter needs you kinda!! GO! FOLLOW HER.

❄️ Bran: INEXPLICABLY WARGING.

I know being a bird is nice and all big homie but NOW IS NOT THE TIME.

❄️ Fighting, fighting, lots of fighting.

Lots of our faves looking just about overwhelmed and being Fine, Actually.

❄️ Speaking of: ARYA FUCKING STARK, DEATH MACHINE. AND ONLY THE ONION KNIGHT NOTICED!?

I’ve gotta hand it to whoever dreamed up that scene in the library. I was holding my breath the entire time.

Also why didn’t people just jump OVER more zombies? I mean clearly if we’d had some dragon glass boogie boards with blades on the bottom it would’ve been a different episode entirely.

Oh also RIP Beric — who, you’ve noticed, is dead because he outlived his purpose because The Lord of Light is the one true god I guess but we’re just gonna skim over that for the rest of the series probably…

… But I also pumped my fist at “What do we say to the God of Death?”

NOT TODAY, SATAN. WE SAY NOT. TODAY.

See you soon, Murder Daughter.

❄️ OK so The Night King finally shows up from somewhere and we’re having a DRAGON BATTLLLLLE and honestly this was kind of beautiful.

Having them high above the clouds dying from oxygen deprivation I mean regular ol’ battlin with some ice on their coats under the light of the moon was just incredible.

Also, the blue fire apparently does… nothing to other dragons?

Death Dragon was like HOOO and Daenerys was just flying above him until… something happened, I forget. It was chaos.

❄️ Anyway somehow The Night King slowly falls stoically to earth and Jon is like “AMAZING, I CAN CHASE HIM AND BEST CASE STAB HIM, OTHER BEST CASE FINALLY DIE.”

Narrator: He didn’t tho.

And this is the part where the Night King uses his actual Night King Powers.

Wild Eyed Jon is chasing after him knowing exactly what he can do, and The Night King is like

Turn
Pose
*~*~*Smize*~*~*
RAISE THE MOTHERFUCKIN DEAAAAAD

… and they will walk at you at a steady pace so you can kill them one by one.

❄️ This is right around when all the people on the battlefield are having The Worst Day Ever.

Like, they’re tired. They’re hungry. Kim, there’s people that are dying.

And then suddenly all their expired bros are like AND THIS IS THRILLERRRRRRRR, THRILLER NIGHT.

Ugh, can you imagine? The worst.

❄️ OH NO, THE SUPER SAFE CRYPTS™ ARE NOT SUPER SAFE™ AFTER ALL.

If you were disappointed that none of our favorite Starks were resurrected, I think we all need to keep budgets in mind here.

Imagine the costs of bringing all those faves back just to be Undead and murder-y. Logistically, probably not ideal

So anyway: randos are falling left and right, but let’s hear it for that moment between Tyrion and Sansa during the “muffled battle sounds” period of the episode. Just sheer panic and looking death in the face but gaining strength from each other.

I was hoping they’d kill themselves in dramatic fashion because that’s just the kind of person I am now, apparently.

But, since they’re still alive, I ship it now.

❄️ Meanwhile, Bran the Bait Man is sitting comfortably in Godswood, and it’s mayhem.

A bunch of Iron Born are being overwhelmed until it’s just Theon swinging wildly, which is also the current battle strategy of Ser Friendzone having to protect Khaleesi who apparently needed a breather and just FORGOT THE BATTLEFIELD IS FULL OF ZOMBIES.

OK GIRL.

Also RIP, Ser FZ. You never did get to lay that pipe.

❄️ We do another sweeping scene of Things Really Not Looking Good.

Heroes are getting overwhelmed but seem to still be standing, and my brain starts concocting wild theories about how this could end.

My favorite insane brain theory was someone suddenly figuring out dragon glass is actually dragon poop so the dragons would just need to poop all over the zombies instead.

BUT NO. That would be ridiculous.

Which brings us to:

❄️ Theon making the ultimate sacrifice after being told he is “A good man” by Bran.

I also want to remind you guys of something I’d forgotten, because Z and I actually watched the old episode where Theon takes Winterfell *from* Bran a million years back when Bran still had emotional range beyond that of an android.

He essentially forced Bran to give the castle over him, and starting A Lot of Shit.

I forgot that that had happened and it made the moment even more poignant.

RIP Theon, this was a great ending to your arc. You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.

❄️ AND THEN SUDDENLY, FROM THE BLEACHERS, ARYA STARK FLIES ACROSS THE FIELD FOR A GAME-WINNING TOUCHDOWN, BLOWING THE NIGHT KING’S BILLION TO ONE LEAD.

WHAT DO WE SAY TO THE MOTHERFUCKING GOD OF DEATH?

“I AM THAT BITCH.”

NIGHT KING BLOWS UP INTO CRUSHED ICE and a bunch of the dead die, actually.

I stood up and applauded.

❄️❄️ OK now I know there’s a lot of fussing about Arya being the one to do it but it, in fact, makes a TON of sense.❄️❄️

First, Bran gave her that knife LAST SEASON.

She’s the one who’s been closest to death for the longest, she had incredibly high level training *around* death.

She closes brown, green, and BLUEEE WINK WINK WINK eyes.

And we had that call-back to the god of death ALL THE WAY FROM THE FIRST SEASON.

Does it excuse Melly Sanders from stanning Stannis and by association Jon for that long? No.

Does it excuse her burning Shereen alive? Hell no.

But she figured it out eventually I guess, so now she’ll just expire because again — SHE HAS OUTLIVED HER PURPOSE.

❄️❄️ Is Arya Azor Ahai? Will the legions of Totally Not Misogynist fanboys be able to handle it? ❄️❄️

TUNE IN TO THE INTERNET THIS WEEK TO FIND OUT.

AND THEN NEXT WEEK TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENS WITH… CERSEI, I GUESS.

Because the ultimate game for the Iron Throne is BACK ON y’all.

The Tormund/Brienne and the Jamie/Brienne ships are STILL sailing.

Basically: I think we just need to stop thinking so hard and looking for everything to tie together super neatly.

We should let that be a job for the books from now on, because it is nigh on impossible to check every box for a TV show.

Final seasons are notoriously disappointing for the die-hards.

So let’s temper our expectations and see where this goes.

SEE Y’ALL IN KING’S LANDING.

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