Welp WE’RE BACK for another episode of Generational Healing, Sword Swapping, and Loving Storyline Resolution of Thrones.
Author’s note: For the past couple of seasons of GoT I’ve taken it upon myself to write recaps of each episode on Facebook. Upon request, I’ve posted them here to make them easier to share internet-wide.
While I’ll be honest that I come to the Seven Kingdoms every week in the hope my heartstrings will be actively tortured because this is what George RR’s storytelling has now trained me to believe good television is — I am now recalibrating my expectations so I won’t say too much about the fact some of last night felt a little corny though satisfying and will instead GET STRAIGHT INTO IT.
❄️ First, we’ve got Kingslayer Ser Jamie on deck with a Mia Culpa No Regretta attitude in front of the “last” Targaryen but don’t worry: his inter-seasonal Good Guy Actually PR campaign chickens are clearly coming home to roost.
Without even seeing the inside of the dungeon, people say some angry words and… he’s free.
OK fine. Bigger things at stake.
I DO have to appreciate that it was the two Queens doing all the talking and then the camera panned to Jon who I didn’t even realize was there.
I don’t even think *he* realized he was there. He’s just ready to rumble with some wights AND flex his emotional unavailability muscles because he’s clearly avoiding Dany like the plague.
❄️ Then comes ANOTHER super fast reconciliation by the Big Ol’ Creepy Tree:
“Hey Bran I was a bad person I’m sorry I knocked you out of the window so you wouldn’t tell on me for doin’ it doggie style with my full blood sister. Thanks for like, still not outing me btw.”
“It’s all good. I’m not even Bran anymore.”
“I did some high vibe personal development ayahuasca workshops beyond the Wall and now you should only call me by my Playa name, the Three Eyed Raven.”
“*backing away slowly* Uh huh OK kid uh… cool.”
❄️ Next let’s talk about that Sansa/Dany drama, the subplot I am TRULY LIVING FOR.
On the right, IN PARTNERSHIP WITH CHANEL, we have “My ex husband was taller” Dany.
On the left, IN PARTNERSHIP WITH GUCCI, we have “You wouldn’t have survived what I’ve survived” Sansa.
Blah blah they both love Jon but I stan my unwavering redhead Queen of The North where No Shit is Taken demanding her independence.
Come on Dany don’t be fucking rude, their LITERAL FAMILY CASTLE is being used to battle a zombie hoard. Maybe just be queen of the Six Kingdoms. Still sort of has a ring to it.
❄️ Meanwhile, Sam is also here for the dramZ.
“Did you tell her yet? Did you? No? I can, like, text her for you if you want.”
But no, for Jon the time is not right. It won’t be right until exactly 5 seconds before the white walkers come to play ball.
That’s a WAY better idea, don’t give her any time to digest and let her freak out for two separate reasons simultaneously while trying to keep a bunch of people and dreams of her Kingdom alive.
This is also where I notice a lot of people are talking about how save the Crypt is.
The crypt. Full of dead people.
I repeat: Dead people.
Hm yes. So safe.
Also is Gilly pregnant?? She looks pregnant!
❄️ Oh no Grey Worm is gonna die isn’t he. 😞
They’re having the “we’ll go live on a beach after this” talk. He’s a goner.
AND I’M ALREADY SAD.
Maybe Lyanna Mormont can become commander of the Unsullied. That little girl has big enough balls for the entire army.
YES FIERCE QUEEN, YOU PUT JORAH IN HIS PLACE. THINKIN’ HE CAN ROLL UP AND TRY TO PLAY THE OLDER COUSIN CARD.
❄️ And then? AND THEN?? THAT THING HAPPENING WITH ARYA I MEAN OK.
Was kind of hoping for her to spend her last night talking shit to The Hound’s face but this also works I guess.
First of all big claps for MUTUAL ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT. Feminism has arrived in the North and it tells you to take your own damn pants off. Here for it.
But I also feel like the writers added this in so Maisie Williams can move on into some Actual Adult Woman roles post-Thrones so she won’t always be known as Arya.
Still. We’ve known this character since she was like 10. Don’t get me wrong I’m proud of her for having such a great butt and side boob but I STILL FEEL WEIRD.
Gendry probably does too. Not to mention his three Girlfriends from Canada I mean Kings Landing. Boy did not know what hit him.
❄️ Battle plans, aka “We’re All Gonna Die” plans are coming together but the goal is to get to the Night King and Bran is going solo to set a trap with… Theon?!
Uhhhh, y’all sure about that?
Bran is like, the Brain Internet of Westeros. If he dies, all memories of men go with him. Theon is historically like… NOT great in a crisis, and terrible at protecting people. I guess we’re headed for a redemption death.
Look at that hug between him and Sansa. He’s absolutely gonna die.
Maybe he’s got some Drowned God magic there somewhere he can throw, idk.
Good luck bud, I’m rooting for you despite myself.
❄️ Speaking of track records, the writers also dedicated an entire subplot to Tyrion’s incompetence and whoaaa it took me a while to tally up all of his L’s across the seasons but MAN THEY’RE BAD.
Also I can see both Ser Friendzone and Dany failing People Management 101: JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE THE GUY DOESN’T MEAN HE’S A FIT FOR THE TEAM.
He’s screwed up over and over again, from that time you left him in charge in Mereen where he got y’all invaded AND kept slavery around for 5 MORE YEARS, to his wight-napping plan getting Visirion zombie-fied, all the way to the most recent instance of trusting Cersei like a big ol dumbdumb.
At least demote him, sheesh.
But clearly Tyrion has the same PR firm on retainer as Jaime because Ser FZ is like “He’s still my dude tho.”
❄️ AND THENNNNN fear not because the Night’s Watch stragglers have returned and among them is Big Ginger Daddy TORMUND *air horns*
First words out of his mouth “Where’s the big woman.”
SHE’S RIGHT THERE BB, GO FLEX ON HER.
… wait no not like that. #giantstittymilk
❄️ And now we’ve got a bunch of beloved characters in a circle getting drunk and OH GOODNESS IS THAT A KNIGHTING?!
My girl BriBri finally getting her due. That actress is amazing. Her tears. Jamie’s face. My heart.
This is basically probably as close as we’re gonna get to a love scene between them and instead it’s more of an honor scene and IT IS THE MOST ON BRAND.
HE WANT TO FIGHT IN HER ARMY TOO. My heart!!
Also look at Tormund’s happy face!! He’s so rustic he doesn’t even experience petty jealousy. I live. Wildlings are so progressive, I bet he’d high-five Arya and slap Gendry on the ass too if he found them. Fuck tradition indeed, fam.
Tormund/Onion Knight 2020.
❄️ Sex God Pod aka Pippin from LOTR layin down the battle hymn while everyone looks pensive.
Dude it’s so crazy to see all these characters together. I would’ve willingly sat through an entire episode exclusively of the group by the fire.
We’re definitely gonna see a bunch of this group die soon.
❄️ Oh god Jon, TIMING.
Jon: “Hi this Aunt is actually my mom and her and my dad loved each other so I’m technically the heir now.”
Dany: *blank stare of shock and horror*
Jon: Surprise I’m the king but will provide you with no reassurances or contingency plan because I’m more the silent type.
Jon: K gotta go fight now, maybe die. L8R!
~~~OK that’s all I got for now so here are some predictions ~~~
❄️ Undead Starks are gonna chow down on some women and children in the SUPER SAFE CRYPTS.
❄️ Gendry, Brienne, Tormund, and Grey Worm are gonna die spectacularly. Maybe Jaime holds Brienne while she passed on.
❄️ Arya and The Hound will take on the undead almost singlehandedly
❄️ We’re in for a LONG ASS BATTLE SEQUENCE. The longest in television history. Buckle in babes.
HERE WE GOOO. THE WIGHTS ARE AT THE GATES.