And WE! ARE! BACK!
Author’s note: For the past couple of seasons of GoT I’ve taken it upon myself to write recaps of each episode on Facebook. Upon request, I’ve posted them here to make them easier to share internet-wide.
*~*~* GAME OF THRONES RECAP POST *~*~*
(That felt great to type.)
First of all: LET’S HEAR IT FOR THAT INTRO SEQUENCE MAKEOVER BUDGET.
The minute I saw the big ol’ Hole in the Wall I was clutching my chest.
We’re back fam, and the times they are a chaaaanginnn’.
This episode brought you Exposition and Speedy Resolution of Thrones as we had exactly 3 minutes per character to get 99% of the loose ends from last season tied up, so let’s focus on that:
❄️ First, nice callback to Arya running through the crowd to see the army coming to Winterfell in S1.
I dunno why she didn’t shout at John though. She looked all bummed when he didn’t notice her.
GIRL YOU’RE STANDING IN THE PEASANT RECEIVING LINE OF CRANKY SILENCE, JUST SAY SOMETHING.
I appreciated her reunion with The Hound though. They both got to try and out-tough-guy each other and Hound got to imply he was proud of his little murder baby in his own way. My heart!
The John reunion was just as good. I teared up seeing them hug each other!
Also: ARYA AND GENDRY. Do I ship it? Is she too young? Does being an assassin cause you to mature faster? Probably?
WHO CARES, IT’S GoT!
❄️ I feel like this is as cute as we’re gonna see John and Dany before their relationship goes south and I’m ok with that.
Y’all saw my thoughts on that dragon ride last night and I feel no different this morning.
I also appreciate the way they’re positioning Dany as problematic in the north. Like, can you imagine?
John: “Hello yes I was stabbitied many times by some jerks at the Night’s Watch but I am ok now.”
The Lords of the North: “You’re a good dude you should probably be our king. Those other guys were dicks.”
J: “Ok I am reluctant to do this because I am such a good dude but you have convinced me.”
*6 months later*
J: “LOOK I FOUND Y’ALL A NEW QUEEN also we’re banging and has never been here but I think she is very nice ACCEPT HER NOW.”
TLOTN: “No thank you.”
Also unrelated but how does politics work with this? Couldn’t John still be king/warden of the north with Dany on the throne? Wasn’t that always how it worked? The Starks and their fur NFL linebacker coats were set to guard Winterfell forever and always?
❄️ Theon saving Yara with Iron Islands Seal Team 6 in 2.5 seconds.
Turns out when Wardrobe Sponsored-by-Diesel Euron heads off to bang a queen his security really lapses. Guess that’s what you get for cutting out everyone’s tongues.
All it took was one punch in the face and they were back to old times. I feel we can all learn something from Westerosi inter-familial-trauma conflict resolution.
I also sincerely hope we get more Yara. WE STAN A HYPER COMPETENT QUEEN.
❄️ Speaking of hyper-competent, MY GIRL SANSA, Our Lady of Underestimation I mean Side Eye I mean The North.
She not only delivered some real talk to Tyrion, but also she gets props for being the only one demanding answers to how they’re supposed to handle this Great War logistically.
What’s the equivalent of Excel in the Seven Kingdoms because I felt like she was about to whip out a spreadsheet laying out the enormous gaps in their plans.
Too bad no one would listen but Sam, probably.
Also way to out-Tyrion Tyrion. Are they still married? I still ship it.
“I used to think you were the cleverest man alive.”
You right girl, you right. Captain Drinking and Knowing Things has been off his game. I think it’s the lack of blonde highlights mop top haircut from season 1 that was giving him all those powers of deduction. BRING IT BACK!
❄️ Now onto Dany.
Ughhhh Dany Dany Dany we’ve gotta work on your brand positioning strategy.
Riding in with dragons overhead is awesome but also SCARY. If you don’t wanna be a queen who rules by fear, idk, have the dragons drop baskets of flower petals or something?
Not to mention answering Sansa’s COMPLETELY REASONABLE AND SENSIBLE QUESTION “What do dragon’s eat anyway?” with a dry “Whatever they want…”
… BECAUSE I HAVE A FEELING THAT INCLUDES PEOPLE?! DID ANYONE SEE THE BURNED ARM IN THAT PILE OF ASH BEFORE THE I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD DRAGON FLIGHT SEQUENCE?
FUCK! NOT A GOOD LOOK.
That said, she’s about to get the bomb dropped on her that all hard work literally crucifying people was for nothing so I feel for her.
❄️ Samwell Tarley hearing the news about his family hurt my whole heart.
Not just because he’s a great actor but because even though he was treated horribly by his family he’s still loyal to them because he’s a good and tender spirit. I hope he makes it to the end of the series, I’m always rooting for him. 💕
❄️ JON OR SHOULD I SAY AEGON got the bomb dropped in him hella quick — I thought they would’ve drawn that out for at least one more episode but so be it.
It was a very “John is Startled” moment but I wonder where this is going.
I feel like he could be like “Yo so I’m the king but we make great sex so what do you say we unite and get married then you can do the ruling stuff and I can stare off into the distance and brood because it’s my fave.”
Of course it’s never that simple and $50 says Tyrion’s gonna be like “You should probably kill him.” Because all that burninating by the dragons has clearly singed his hippocampus.
Also: radical idea. Go send a dragon to pick up another wight from Dead Army’s to-go window and plop him in front of the Lords of Winterfell.
That should unite folks pretty fast. #creativesolutions
❄️ BRAN BRAN THE SNEAKY MAN. Did they really have to make him sit and stare from his chair that many times though?
Also, can he move himself in that chair or does he just sit there day and night in order to bring the drama? You’d think as the three eyed raven he’d have a better sense of people’s arrival time.
Man, the young Starks sure are good with that android face. Arya’s got it down pat too.
That said: AHHHH JAIME. BUSTED. I can’t wait to see that convo.
I also feel like Bran needs to get all the power players in the room and lay out what’s happening. This trickle of information isn’t efficient when you’re the only one in the Seven Kingdoms with brain internet.
❄️ Cersei ughhh.
The Golden Company subplot is technically cool (also entertaining to hear a character explain elephants were literally not in the show budget) but this baby thing and Euron thing is terribly boring already.
I hope she gets up to her old tricks soon and get some better dialogue, she’s my favorite baddie. Contrastingly, Euron is my least fave.
Also it will never not make me chuckle the way the writers have to plan around her and the actor who plays Bron refuse to be in the same room ever.
I also don’t think there’s a chance in hell he’d kill Tyrion or Jamie. They’re bros! And Bron is self interested, but he abides by Bro Code.
❄️ And finally: MY BB TORMUND IS STILL ALIVE AND RUNNING THE WESTEROSI TRUE DETECTIVE SQUAD.
That dead kid scream will stick with me in my nightmares for some time. RIP house Umber.
Also… if they’re *behind* the army of the dead… could they hypothetically just stay there? Do the dead come back up north after they kill everyone or do they stay where it’s warm and retire?
The world may never know.